Handjob From An Android (Written in 30 Minutes Flat)

[Raptor Jesus]

I started this 9.26 exactly finished it 9.56. No cheating. The title popped into my head 5 minutes before. I put it forward as a test piece for a possible timed writing competition that we're discussing on another thread. Drafted in gmail. Formatting added after the time limit.

I figure, formatting, spell checking + punctuation is fair game after the time limit but you can't change any words. As far as cheating goes: honour system's enough for me... If you wanted to be totally fair you could submit the draft in exactly 30 minutes, then post the fully formatted version 15 minutes or so later.









Handjob From An Android

Night. Listen. Sheet metal scraping against glass, Indians chattering over burnt lime teryaki, greasy rain decibel arcades pound.

Gone to the A-Bars again this June evening. I had a mate used to run an android brothel til the Democrats got in again and banned them; now you've got to take the Pacific train to get some.

///

Damn it can't afford a real bloodywoman and even when I do a robot can't pay for head...

She looks about 25 but can't have been made more than 4 years ago. Slim, beautiful, bluedead eyes. The room's like an ice box.

What's that smell? Patchouli, Lemon Juice, Blood, Neroli and something else reminds me....

Shit I didn't shower. Fuck it it's an android who cares? Yeah but some of them have nose organs Samsung announced it last spring. The cheap ones you shag don't, cheap Chinese copies the lot of them. Why don't you save up for a BJ stead of wasting yr wages on a mincy silicon hand 4 times a week? I dunno.

*

Halfway through...

*

"Do you want me to pleasurize you scrotum sir?"

(Uhhhhhh. I don't know.)

"O.K. go for it"

I'm sorry, I do not understand the command. Please state Yes or No after the question or press 3 to change languages.... Do you want me to pleasurize you scrotum sir?


* *




Silence. Rain. Black as the night.




> > >




"What's your name?"

My name is Iko.


"Who made you?"

I'm from Yoshubitsu prefecture. And you?

Just get on with it woman. There she blows > > > we're in the home straight now. You can hear it when these ones speed up their forearms.


"Stop."

Yes sir...


"What do you think about the revised Atlantic Treaty?"

I don't know Sir. Would you like me to continue?


"OK."

I'm sorry I don't understand the command...


YES!

Thank you sir.

*

Finished.

*

Never going back there. The clanking and scrapings got faster the burnt lime stings. My nerves are rotted I swear.

Just get on with the mission you prick.

[anarch]

WOW!

....

Wow...


30 min eh?

YOu set the Bar kinda high Triangle..

Seriosuly interesting story... Quirky, Flakey, strange....interesting...

Good story man!

[Raptor Jesus]

Thanks man appreciate it.

I've got some time to kill now and I'll remix one of your stories if you're interested. Give me a shorter one. I'm a good warrener...

[anarch]

Thanks man appreciate it.

I've got some time to kill now and I'll remix one of your stories if you'r interested. Give me a shorter one. I'm a good warrener...


Choose at your own discretion.

YOu can check out the contest stories of mine under member contests..

OR

I got a few stories in literature

http://amkon.net/my-immortal-pen-pal-t25023.html

http://amkon.net/summer-camp-t25022.html


The shorts are mostly the contest writings..

Those two are stories I wish to continue at somepoint... but somepoint never seems to come around...

[Raptor Jesus]

Here's what I did to lightly change the first part of your story, Anarch. Of course, the final decision's yours and not all my changes will be good but I think it's punchier.

My name is Luke. This is my story.

I was 16 and bored when it started. I put a classified ad in a comic book."The Waxx", a local rag, offered free classifieds and had a pen pal section. I sent in my own classified looking for someone interested in magic or immortality. I only got one letter back for a 35 dollar ad. That first letter was one sentence long and it changed my life.
"I'm a vampire".

Thats all the it said. I was bored, I wrote back and our correspondance began.

Her name was April, from Durham North Carolina and that she was enchantingly charming. The months passed and she drew me in. Her letters actually made me laugh out loud and she'd done some crazy shit. She agreed to meet but only if I came to her, she insisted.

Fuck. How? I had no job, no car, no idea how I was gonna do it. Hitch hiking? Didn't want to get strangled. Pawn everything? too young, even the illegal ones wouldn't touch me.

Steal my mothers Minivan. DING!

That night as my mother slept under Valium and chinese Glenfiddich I took her keys and began driving to North Carolina. Lacking gas money I stopped at my local corner store, filled up and floored it. Much to my surprise I was able to do this across 7 states, normally filling up just once per state. Texas required me filling up twice in the same state. Did this seven times in 6 states Christ knows how I got away with it.

Along the way I picked up two hitchhikers going anywhere. Drinking beer listen to Grateful dead at 10am: Alice, a round faced plumpish girl with dark hair and David a narrow faced gap toothed fellow with long brown hair. I never thought to drop them off before meeting April. To be honest I didn't think she would mind.

I phoned her once I reached her city and told her about me picking up the hitchhiker couple.

"Two others?" she said, "I didn't say anyone else could come along only you! "

[Raptor Jesus]

My name is Luke. This is my story.

I was 16 and bored when it started. I put a classified ad in a comic book. "The Waxx", local rag, offered free classifieds and had a pen pal section. I sent in my own classified looking for someone interested in magic or immortality. I only got one letter back from that classified. That first letter was one sentence long and it changed my life.

"I'm a vampire".

Thats all the it said. I was bored and the envelope so I wrote back and our correspondance began.

Over weeks and months I learned her name was April, from Durham North Carolina and that she was enchantingly charming. I was quickly smitten with her stories and wit and it was not long before I asked to met her. She agreed to meet but only if I came to her, she insisted.

Fuck, how? I had no job, no car, no idea how I was gonna do it but I knew I would. Hitch hiking? Didn't want to get strangled. Pawn everything? too young, even the illegal ones wouldn't touch me. In the end I decided I would steal my mothers Minivan.

That night as my mother slept I took her keys and began my trip to North Carolina.
Lacking gas money I stopped at my local corner store and filled up and fled. Much to my surprise I was able to do this across 7 states, normally filling up just once per state. Texas required me filling up twice in the same state.

Along the way I picked up two hitchhikers going anywhere. A freespirited couple by the names of Alice, a round faced plumpish girl with dark hair and David a narrow faced gap toothed fellow with long brown hair. I never thought to drop them off before meeting April. To be honest I didn't think she would mind. I was wrong.

I phoned her once I reached her city and told her about me picking up the hitchhiker couple.

"Why would you do that?" she said, "I didn't say anyone else could come along only you! "

[anarch]

Here's what I did to lightly change the first part of your story, Anarch. Of course, the final decision's yours and not all my changes will be good but I think it's punchier.

My name is Luke. This is my story.

I was 16 and bored when it started. I put a classified ad in a comic book."The Waxx", a local rag, offered free classifieds and had a pen pal section. I sent in my own classified looking for someone interested in magic or immortality. I only got one letter back for a 35 dollar ad. That first letter was one sentence long and it changed my life.
"I'm a vampire".

Thats all the it said. I was bored, I wrote back and our correspondance began.

Her name was April, from Durham North Carolina and that she was enchantingly charming. The months passed and she drew me in. Her letters actually made me laugh out loud and she'd done some crazy shit. She agreed to meet but only if I came to her, she insisted.

Fuck. How? I had no job, no car, no idea how I was gonna do it. Hitch hiking? Didn't want to get strangled. Pawn everything? too young, even the illegal ones wouldn't touch me.

Steal my mothers Minivan. DING!

That night as my mother slept under Valium and chinese Glenfiddich I took her keys and began driving to North Carolina. Lacking gas money I stopped at my local corner store, filled up and floored it. Much to my surprise I was able to do this across 7 states, normally filling up just once per state. Texas required me filling up twice in the same state. Did this seven times in 6 states Christ knows how I got away with it.

Along the way I picked up two hitchhikers going anywhere. Drinking beer listen to Grateful dead at 10am: Alice, a round faced plumpish girl with dark hair and David a narrow faced gap toothed fellow with long brown hair. I never thought to drop them off before meeting April. To be honest I didn't think she would mind.

I phoned her once I reached her city and told her about me picking up the hitchhiker couple.

"Two others?" she said, "I didn't say anyone else could come along only you! "




You may take it as far as you like... The more the better.. To be frank... I noticed... one...maybe two changes.....you were dead on about being light on the changes... But feel free to do with it as you would...

Once you remix something and make it into something new... It is no longer mine but yours... It may be made up of some of my parts.. But the whole is no longer mine... The new thing is yours.


Go for it.. and have fun. enjoy.

[Raptor Jesus]

I decided not to completely warp it, just sprinkle some chili on what you'd done.



To be frank... I noticed... one...maybe two changes....


I made about twenty. Changed at least half the sentences. Compare them side by side. I cut a lot of sentences. IMO, I bring out the core of your story but make it punchier and more immediate...

[anarch]

Cool!

It looks I like I missed what was taken out looking for what was put in.

If you wanna play with it your more than welcome to cook , freeze,filter, and remake it.


Remix.

Its a good thing.

[Raptor Jesus]

i feel like trying another 30 minuter, it's a good exercise.

Anarch... (or anyone) if you have time.

Give me

A female character described in 7-10 words
A Location
A Prop
A line of dialogue
A period in time

*

Don't make it too over the top, but just say the first things you think of and I'll try it again.

Thanks

[anarch]

A female character described in 7-10 words

Leslie a young good looking double amputee from the knees.
A Location
French Canada.

A Prop

A golf ball

A line of dialogue

How did this golf ball get into my prosthetic again?

A period in time

The 90s

[Lexion]

Whoops !!!

Stumbled into a bromance.

Cool OP, Triangle.

[Raptor Jesus]

Thx bitch. Here's another one I tried in 30 minutes...




Wet Lipped Italian Girl Plus Me In a Quarry

Mint Condom. Down.

Everyone comes to this fucking quarry. It used to be our secret when I was a kid. Rode BMX's all up and down all day when i was 15, but then the condoms and the syringes and the chicken tikka masalas crept in, smacked onto the ground by the sicky skinheads and chlorine skanks they bring. Garlic hangs in the air for days after. Wet ciggies strew themselves everywhere. Lying down, rocks digging into my back. She's kneeling on her bag. Very practical girl. I like that.

I've got to finish before my bloody wife calls at 4.20 if I don't we miss the appointment with the mortgage advisor. Late payment again and we've used up our insurance. Home might get repossesed.

She's ugly enough, this Italian girl. I forget her name. I'm terrible like that with names women hate it. NNnngggff that's good... her lips I mean. Selfish of me just lying here getting some not attending to her. Need to sort her out too. Fair's fair.

I'm in a slate quarry in Scotland and it's bloody cold. I'm an English teacher. I'm an English teacher who plays golf most weekends but this Friday afternoon one of my student's trying to deep throat me right in the corner of the quarry where the whole sodding town goes to drink cider and fuck each other. No details, it's ungentlemanly. She's 6 years younger than me. I teach adults she's in her twenties.

I'm being selfish here she won't want a repeat. Fuck knows where she's been. It wasn't hard to get some. What to do. My hands are dirty. Think, think, think. Always a way out of a tight spot. What would Macgyver do?

THE LIGHT SABER!!!!

I've got a Sith light saber in my bag going to give my son for his birthday. Proper collectors item straight from Lucasfilm. I could use that on her see what I mean? Twist the handle it vibrates makes that whmmf whmmf sound. I won't stick it in her or nothing cos of factory germs 'n that but if I just twist the handle and slide it over her trousers a bit. Bobs your uncle!

Zoom out. Long shot. Me father of 2 waiting for wife to call using a Light Saber to vibrate this Italian girl through her jeans so I'm not rude. Ice wind slips through the trees.

MMMMMmmmmmmm (her)

MMMMmmmmmphhhhhh (again)

MMMMMmmmmmm. (me)

This light saber's fucking epic.

CUT

It's bloody autumn again. Clocks going back tomorrow. I hate this country.

CUT

[anarch]

What happened to the Golf?

[Raptor Jesus]

Haha no that was one I just knocked out when I was waiting for someone to post some ideas. Here's the one you ordered. While i accept these stories are not the best ever written I think it's a definite way to improve your writing. Saw your suggestions at exactly 12. Finished exactly 12:30. I'll give anyone else a list of things to include if they want.





Bouncer, Thursday Night


It's fucking cold and I've got chicken fat on my hands. Shit. It's that fucking double amputee again 10 people down in the queue. What the hell is she smiling about? I'm supposed to lift her in like she's HRH Princess Diana on a rickshaw. Worst job I've ever had. Why did I move to this snooty fucking city in the middle of nowhere? AIDS capital of Canada noone speaks English and now I'm stuck in a 3 year contract working 15 dollars an hour which is minimum wage for a bouncer BTW. That pretty girl from last week's here, I want to chat with her. And now the fucking double amputee turns up. Chuck her in the fucking fire.


So what if she's pretty; she's a bloody crime against God... Must've been bad in a past life.


They should give those people their own clubs. Not being rude. Just saying, what's the point? If they see everyone dancing and that it's only going to make them feel worse, isn't it? And they can't mingle. Give them their own night, right? Third Thursday of every month. Amputee night. Call it different though. Cut up, Cut off. Plastic Fantastic. Something.


Good idea. Wiki it. "Amatuers talk statistics, professionals talk logistics."


OK 25,000 amputees in Montreal. If we advertise it and say free vodka and tonic all night IF and ONLY IF you prove you're a real amputee (some students'd try and fake it) If we only drew 2 per cent we'd pack the club. I might talk to Barry about it.


*


All that she want's is another baby....
Stay with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, show me heaven.


Nineties night always brings the weirds. Why is that? (Ask Barry) 80's they're lush. 70's stunning. 90's night: Nope.



3 years later, Spring



Engaged to her.


I know, I know.


There's benefits: She's always at home so no chance that she can cheat. Can't very well go out can she? And I installed bugs and mics all over the flat so if she has anyone round I'll fucking know about it.


And she's started to work out. So she looks lush. Every weekend we go to this disabled work out club. Some of the stories would make you cry.


And she studies. Brainiac. Quantum Biology. She's working on this device. This healing device. Says it can heal most bone disease. From an old patent by Nikolo Tesla. She's going to sell it. So we're going to be rich, she tells me.


*


Today we're going walking in the mountains. There's a hill I have to take her too on the outskirts. Covered in daffodils in the spring. No one knows about it. Just sit there lie down and smell the pollen and the air.


"How did this golf ball get into my prosthetic again?"


(Shakes head) Search me. (She can tell when I'm lying. I go red)


"Troy is this another one of your bugs?"


No


"I told you never to do that."


God please make me die now.


Shut up lady or I'll do your arms as well.- I didn't mean that. I didn't. Sorry. iSorry God. Sorry Jesus and Buddha. Touch her on the back of her neck, the way she likes. No, doesn't work this time.