Snow Crash
02-11-2010, 05:43 PM
Gather round the campfire purples, and heed ye this tale of evil vs the lone warrioress of good.
'clears throat'
So, for those who don’t know, Earth is a constant battleground.... the forces of Good seek to fight back the dark armies of Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega, the world renowned crime lord from Moscow, and rumoured to be, at least according to the Westboro Baptist Church, of being the Antichrist. And even as you heed this tale, I am a General in Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega's Army.... as is ApolloRising.
So..... here is the last great battle between Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega and the lone fighter known as Alessandra... who, incidentally, is rumoured to be from the mystical and magical and legendary and somewhat dusty land known to its denizens as New Mexico, and to outsiders as Cactus Land.
And so…
Our story takes place in the land known as Britain, referred to in French tourist brochures as The Barbarian Island, where an indigenous species known to zoologists as ‘chavs’ roam in packs, ready to rob unsuspecting tourists, and the local warlords sit in a building with a giant clock at one end, arguing about how best to rob their subjects. Basically, they are a bunch of thieving bastards. The weather is as foul as the food, though sometimes the weather can relent into moments of tranquil beauty. The food, on the other hand, is beyond saving, which is why Chinese and Indian food vendors make so much money on The Barbarian Island, selling dishes such as Peking Cat, and Pigeon Jalfrezi.
One Friday morning, many moons ago, Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega’s troops marched through the countryside, scaring small children and pissing in weed-farmers hydroponics, and occasionally stopping to loot and pillage a random settlement that was unfortunate enough to fall within their path.
Heading steadily north, Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega guided his armies of thugs, mercenaries and assassins to the brink of a misty vale, beyond whose opposite ridge lay yet another peasant village.... 'checks map' Glasgow in Scotland... Apollo, wtf? Scotland? .....anyways.... so this morning was misty as I said, and this army of darkness sought to pass through the valley to the target.
Standing on the ridge, facing the approaching dawn, was the most feared and evil Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega, and his Generals, General Von Snow Crash and General ApolloRising. Together they watched the armies march forth, and the man known to his subordinates as Uncle Escobar grinned MOST evilly as his vanguard approached the ridge on the other side of the valley, and the helpless village on the other side. In fact, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you just how evil that grin was. It’s the kind of evil that makes Dick Cheney cry, and Bill O’Reilly shut his face for half a second. THAT’S how evil that grin was, mo'fukka.
As the men approached the ridge, the sun burst forth from behind the hill, and dispelled the mist that enshrouded the valley. As the armies of evil stood blinking in the sudden blinding light, they saw a lone figure standing between them and their goal
With the sun on her back, and a fire in her eyes, Alessandra faced these men of evil, her powers of combat brought to her by her magical Elven Chainmail +3, and her trusty Jalapeno Hammer +4 (it does one extra point of fire damage per level of the user, as you might suspect).
"Oi!" she yelled at the stunned men nearest to her. "You’re not going any further!" The address was made to the men nearest to her, but the Gods made it so the wind carried her chilling words of defiance to the very ears of Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega and his Generals.
"Bollocks to this" scoffed General Von Snow Crash "Let's take her"
Uncle Escobar nodded, and his Generals ordered the assault upon the lone adversary. Alessandra watched the approaching armies, and a feral grin appeared on her face. She allowed them to get close, before closing with a screech.
And so it was that Alessandra set about the Army of Dark, and slaughtered them by herself. Her Jalapeno Hammer slew ten men at a stroke, and her Elven Chainmail +3 thwarted their attempts to destroy her.
Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega growled, and threw his entire army against the enemy, even forcing his prized Generals into combat. Yet she slew them all, and soon, on the blood drenched field, it was only Alessandra and General Von Snow Crash and General ApolloRising left standing, and they fought for four hours straight, not even pausing for a passing diplomat from the UN, who was duly caught in the cross fire as he foolishly attempted to negotiate peace.
Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega, who had been enjoying a cup of Colombia’s finest non cocaine related coffee, stood up and shouted forth a chilling challenge of one on one against Alessandra, who accepted. The two Generals, all that survived of the Army of Dark, stood aside with scowls upon their faces, as Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega ran down the slope of the western hill with a roar, his black armour shining with the morning dew, and the sun catching the surface and issuing forth flashes of light.
Alessandra, by now weary from combat, looked up to see the approaching evil, and summoned all the strength she had left, and her Jalapeno Hammer met the Uncle's Black Axe with an earth shattering boom. The two generals, in the meantime, retreated to the hill from which they had watched their men die, and witnessed 72 hours straight of combat, the battle ending by mutual agreement after Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega lost a contact lens and Alessandra broke a nail.
With his officers at his back, the Uncle Escobar left by the way he had came, and Alessandra returned to that little village known as Glasgow, and was given a heroines welcome by King Kiwi and Queen Lala of Glasgow, and was presented with a haggis and a deep fried mars bar by a kilted man named Connor McLeod of the Clan McLeod. He was French.
THE END
(allegedly)
'clears throat'
So, for those who don’t know, Earth is a constant battleground.... the forces of Good seek to fight back the dark armies of Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega, the world renowned crime lord from Moscow, and rumoured to be, at least according to the Westboro Baptist Church, of being the Antichrist. And even as you heed this tale, I am a General in Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega's Army.... as is ApolloRising.
So..... here is the last great battle between Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega and the lone fighter known as Alessandra... who, incidentally, is rumoured to be from the mystical and magical and legendary and somewhat dusty land known to its denizens as New Mexico, and to outsiders as Cactus Land.
And so…
Our story takes place in the land known as Britain, referred to in French tourist brochures as The Barbarian Island, where an indigenous species known to zoologists as ‘chavs’ roam in packs, ready to rob unsuspecting tourists, and the local warlords sit in a building with a giant clock at one end, arguing about how best to rob their subjects. Basically, they are a bunch of thieving bastards. The weather is as foul as the food, though sometimes the weather can relent into moments of tranquil beauty. The food, on the other hand, is beyond saving, which is why Chinese and Indian food vendors make so much money on The Barbarian Island, selling dishes such as Peking Cat, and Pigeon Jalfrezi.
One Friday morning, many moons ago, Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega’s troops marched through the countryside, scaring small children and pissing in weed-farmers hydroponics, and occasionally stopping to loot and pillage a random settlement that was unfortunate enough to fall within their path.
Heading steadily north, Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega guided his armies of thugs, mercenaries and assassins to the brink of a misty vale, beyond whose opposite ridge lay yet another peasant village.... 'checks map' Glasgow in Scotland... Apollo, wtf? Scotland? .....anyways.... so this morning was misty as I said, and this army of darkness sought to pass through the valley to the target.
Standing on the ridge, facing the approaching dawn, was the most feared and evil Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega, and his Generals, General Von Snow Crash and General ApolloRising. Together they watched the armies march forth, and the man known to his subordinates as Uncle Escobar grinned MOST evilly as his vanguard approached the ridge on the other side of the valley, and the helpless village on the other side. In fact, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you just how evil that grin was. It’s the kind of evil that makes Dick Cheney cry, and Bill O’Reilly shut his face for half a second. THAT’S how evil that grin was, mo'fukka.
As the men approached the ridge, the sun burst forth from behind the hill, and dispelled the mist that enshrouded the valley. As the armies of evil stood blinking in the sudden blinding light, they saw a lone figure standing between them and their goal
With the sun on her back, and a fire in her eyes, Alessandra faced these men of evil, her powers of combat brought to her by her magical Elven Chainmail +3, and her trusty Jalapeno Hammer +4 (it does one extra point of fire damage per level of the user, as you might suspect).
"Oi!" she yelled at the stunned men nearest to her. "You’re not going any further!" The address was made to the men nearest to her, but the Gods made it so the wind carried her chilling words of defiance to the very ears of Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega and his Generals.
"Bollocks to this" scoffed General Von Snow Crash "Let's take her"
Uncle Escobar nodded, and his Generals ordered the assault upon the lone adversary. Alessandra watched the approaching armies, and a feral grin appeared on her face. She allowed them to get close, before closing with a screech.
And so it was that Alessandra set about the Army of Dark, and slaughtered them by herself. Her Jalapeno Hammer slew ten men at a stroke, and her Elven Chainmail +3 thwarted their attempts to destroy her.
Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega growled, and threw his entire army against the enemy, even forcing his prized Generals into combat. Yet she slew them all, and soon, on the blood drenched field, it was only Alessandra and General Von Snow Crash and General ApolloRising left standing, and they fought for four hours straight, not even pausing for a passing diplomat from the UN, who was duly caught in the cross fire as he foolishly attempted to negotiate peace.
Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega, who had been enjoying a cup of Colombia’s finest non cocaine related coffee, stood up and shouted forth a chilling challenge of one on one against Alessandra, who accepted. The two Generals, all that survived of the Army of Dark, stood aside with scowls upon their faces, as Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega ran down the slope of the western hill with a roar, his black armour shining with the morning dew, and the sun catching the surface and issuing forth flashes of light.
Alessandra, by now weary from combat, looked up to see the approaching evil, and summoned all the strength she had left, and her Jalapeno Hammer met the Uncle's Black Axe with an earth shattering boom. The two generals, in the meantime, retreated to the hill from which they had watched their men die, and witnessed 72 hours straight of combat, the battle ending by mutual agreement after Escobar da Silva Juan Garcia Manuel Hernandes Morales Pablo Pedro Miguel Carlos Ortega lost a contact lens and Alessandra broke a nail.
With his officers at his back, the Uncle Escobar left by the way he had came, and Alessandra returned to that little village known as Glasgow, and was given a heroines welcome by King Kiwi and Queen Lala of Glasgow, and was presented with a haggis and a deep fried mars bar by a kilted man named Connor McLeod of the Clan McLeod. He was French.
THE END
(allegedly)