I have found Jesus in my heart.

[Cogburn]

Ever want to role play a seething, evangelical, Bible-thumping, God fearing, homo-hating, bigoted, Jesus loving, introvert?

NOW YOU CAN!

http://www.landoverbaptist.net

You can troll that place for hours and never get bored. Avoiding the banstick is a full-contact sport and most folks don't survive longer than a single thread. The truly epic bits are the folks who actually are seething, evangelical, Bible-thumping, God fearing, homo-hating, bigoted, Jesus loving, introverts and think they finally found their people.

Enjoy :)

[mojo]

Holy shit, would i love for this piece of work to come knockin' on my door.
What a complete waste of flesh and bone.

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=23760


Q: Would you allow a convicted rapist on parole to speak to your daughter after Sunday services?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow an atheist who knew sign language to interpret your pastor's sermon to the deaf?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow a former priest expelled from his parish by the archdiocese due to complaints about "inappropriate conduct with youngsters" to serve as a guest teacher of your child's Sunday school class?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow a mentally ill street person who speaks to himself in loud voices to sit on the front row during Sunday services?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow an abortion doctor to moonlight as your youth director?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow a Deacon to usher with alcohol on his breath?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you have allowed the late Michael Jackson to serve as a counselor for your church's summer camp for boys?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow Barack Hussien Obama anywhere in your church?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow an AIDS-infected homo with lesions to sit in the pew next to your child with a cold?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow ramps and a crippled section in your fellowship hall?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow negroe gang members to lounge on your church steps, cleaning their guns and listening to offensive ghetto music?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow an illegal alien who hasn't bathed in weeks to sit in front of you during services?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!

Q: Would you allow the Reverend Louis Farrakhan to preach in your church?
A: No! Unsaved are NOT welcome!



But wait...it gets better.


It never ceases to amaze us the number of so-called "Christians" ask us this question. If they would only blow the dust off of their Bibles and put their noses into the 16th Chapter of Mark, they would find that Jesus commands us to evangelize the world! He didn't say, "find a comfortable pew each Sunday morning and cross your fingers in hopes that some unsaved piece of human refuse will walk through the doors of your church." No, he said, ""Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel." That word, "go" there is a verb. And for those of you illiterate, misguided Christians who allow unsaved people through the doors of your church each Sunday morning, a verb is an "action word," and "go" means "GO!" as in "leave," or "SCRAM!" It doesn't mean, sit on your hiney! The only place for evangelism is outside the confines of the Lord's four-walled holy dwelling place. God's home is a place for True Christians™ to fellowship. Allowing an unsaved person into church is like Rush Limbaugh inviting Hillary Clinton to a meeting of Republicans on how to defeat the Democrats in 2012. It's something you JUST DON'T DO! PERIOD!

The Holy Word of God is cram full of scripture that warns us to stay clear of unsaved scum like you!



Surely this dude can't really be a Pastor.

tell me this site is really just a great big fucking joke being played on the gullible.
Please.

[Yex]

surely this place is a satire....

"Brothers and sisters in Christ,

One of the more overlooked and neglected demographic groups in Christian evangelical missionary work are young negro children, or more properly known as niglets. Millions of niglets across our fair country are raised in unsaved households. Either their mothers are working the nightshift at a 24-hour Wal-Mart and don't have the time to properly raise them in a True Christian™ environment, or sometimes the mothers don't work at all. Paternal negligence is overwhelming in the negro community and these little niglets lack a stable father figure in their life, often considering whatever negro buck coming over for a quick lay or a couple hits of the crack pipe "Daddy"."

http://www.spaceshipjesus.com/tshirtniglet.jpg

. . . We make sure these dear little niglets don't grow up to be uppity or have a sense of entitlement . . .

This has got to be a pisstake

Cheers,

Yex


edit to add, have read a bit more now and have "got it"........... genius!

[Cogburn]

http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n217/PastorEzekiel/rootsofwicca.gif

[skunk]

What a bunch of hypochristians.

What happened to, you know, love thy neighbor as thyself?

[KIWI]

"I have found Jesus in my heart."

aaah,...that'll be those chest pains your having, flick the bugger out before he blocks your aorta....

then your fucked :smokin:

[Cogburn]

Guys... it's a joke... a game even... and there is one rule:

* Landover Baptist Church follows the literal word of God according to KJV1611

Anything you say or claim must be supported or refuted with exact scripture. No interpretation, ever.

A "True Christian" is one that lives their life in 100% accordance with God's written, literal, word.

Hilarity ensues.

[skunk]

Are you implying there's no 'true christians'?

[Cogburn]

Ask the LBC.

[skunk]

Nah.

[Cogburn]

I'm still trying to figure out a way to present myself as either a prophet or the Messiah himself, and in complete accordance with KJV1611.

If you can figure out a way to do so, they would have to acknowledge it as truth... and game over. :)

[skunk]

You have to think like a cult leader:

Peace is the only way to salvation.

I know how to get you there.

I am the one.

Follow me.

The weak will follow.

[Cogburn]

Is Landover Baptist Church a cult? (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=2706)

Nope... they are cult proof.

[skunk]

Are they a cult? What is that an oxymoron or were you just referring to morons?

[Cogburn]

Since you can't be bothered to click the link and read it before you post... here.

[offsite:2tosv6xc]Ah, we've heard the accusation many times. So, I've decided to have a look on the web, so we can compare LBC to "cults".

Here's a list from a SECULAR source, with my comments in red:

Ask yourself if the following criteria apply to the group you are concerned about.
A destructive cult tends to be totalitarian in its control of its members' behavior. Cults are likely to dictate in great detail not only what members believe, but also what members wear and eat, when and where members work, sleep, and bathe, and how members think, speak, and conduct familial, marital, or sexual relationships. Landover Baptist Church dictates no aspect of any member's behavior. Instead, we require that members follow the KJV1611 Bible, God's Holy Word. We do not change, "interpret", or otherwise alter God's Word. God and Jesus tell us, through God's Word, exactly what members are to do, wear, eat, what forms of sexual relations are appropriate and which are abominations in His eyes, etc. (Leviticus and Deuteronomy, Romans)

A destructive cult tends to have an ethical double standard. Members are urged to be obedient to the cult, to carefully follow cult rules. They are also encouraged to be revealing and open in the group, confessing all to the leaders. On the other hand, outside the group they are encouraged to act unethically, manipulating outsiders or nonmembers, and either deceiving them or simply revealing very little about themselves or the group. In contrast to destructive cults, honorable groups teach members to abide by one set of ethics and act ethically and truthfully to all people in all situations. Unlike Muslims, who are told in the Koran that it's OK to break their word when dealing with nonbelievers, we expect our brothers and sisters to be as honest and ethical with each other and with nonbelievers as God has always shown Himself to be with humanity. EVERY BIT!

A destructive cult has only two basic purposes: recruiting new members and fund-raising. Altruistic movements, established religions, and other honorable groups also recruit and raise funds. However, these actions are incidental to an honorable group's main purpose of improving the lives of its members and of humankind in general. Destructive cults may claim to make social contributions, but in actuality such claims are superficial and only serve as gestures or fronts for recruiting and fund-raising. A cult's real goal is to increase the prestige and often the wealth of the leader. We have very clear-cut charitable programs outlined on the www.landoverbaptist.org (http://www.landoverbaptist.org) website; further, while Pastor Deacon Fred is the current head of the Church on Earth, we only recognize Jesus as the true Leader. Jesus directed us to go forth and spread the Good News to all nations, and to win souls to follow Him, by any means necessary! (Matthew 10:27, Mark 5:19, for example)

A destructive cult appears to be innovative and exclusive. The leader claims to be breaking with tradition, offering something novel, and instituting the ONLY viable system for change that will solve life's problems or the world's ills. But these claims are empty and only used to recruit members who are then surreptitiously subjected to mind control to inhibit their ability to examine the actual validity of the claims of the leader and the cult.We don't claim any of these things. We follow the 1611 King James Bible; certainly not an innovative idea, and we don't exclude anyone. We do not claim that Christianity is the only system for change that will work; we only state that, as the Bible clearly indicates, Christianity IS the ONLY viable system for those who wish to avoid eternal Hellfire. Jesus told us this Himself! (John 3:15-16, Matthew 5:29, Matthew 10:28, Matthew 23:3, Luke 13:3, Revelation 20:13-14)

A destructive cult is authoritarian in its power structure. The leader is regarded as the supreme authority. He or she may delegate certain power to a few subordinates for the purpose of seeing that members adhere to the leader's wishes. There is no appeal outside his or her system to a greater system of justice. For example, if a schoolteacher feels unjustly treated by a principal, an appeal can be made to the superintendent. In a destructive cult, the leader claims to have the only and final ruling on all matters. Again, our true Leader is Jesus Christ. No member of the Church has supreme power, as God and Jesus have complete control. In no way would we or our Earthly leaders question God's Holy Word, which has complete authority in all matters.

A destructive cult's leader is a self-appointed messianic person claiming to have a special mission in life. For example, leaders of flying saucer cults claim that beings from outer space have commissioned them to lead people away from Earth, so that only the leaders can save them from impending doom. Pastor Deacon Fred makes no claims of Divinity, as this would be blasphemy. Rather, Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God. He said so Himself, in the Bible! Look it up, if you wish. I'll wait. (John 4:25-26, among others)

A destructive cult's leader centers the veneration of members upon himself or herself. Priests, rabbis, ministers, democratic leaders, and other leaders of genuinely altruistic movements focus the veneration of adherents on God or a set of ethical principles. Cult leaders, in contrast, keep the focus of love, devotion, and allegiance on themselves. We direct members to love God and Jesus, not Pastor Deacon Fred. (Not that we object to people loving Pastor Deacon Fred, but God and Jesus must always come first!) God, in fact, states in the Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt have no gods before me"! Clearly, all the glory must go to God and to Jesus, his Son, the Messiah (see #6).

A destructive cult's leader tends to be determined, domineering, and charismatic. Such a leader effectively persuades followers to abandon or alter their families, friends, and careers to follow the cult. The leader then takes control over followers' possessions, money, time, and lives. We at LBC do not persuade anyone to abandon their families, friends, or careers. Jesus directly states that only those who give their belongings to the poor (or, more logically, a church which can invest those assets into existing and proven social services programs), give up their families and all else, and follow Him are worthy of Heaven (Matthew 16:24, Mark 10:21, Luke 9:23, Luke 14:26).

As can be plainly seen by a review of this eight-point "warning list" for destructive cults, Landover Baptist Church fits NO definition of a cult whatsoever! So all you outsiders can relax, stop suing us for "taking your children away", or stop complaining that your aged parents gave Landover "your" inheritance. (Did YOU earn it? No, I didn't think so. GOD did.)

Landover Baptist Church is NOT a cult. QED.[/offsite:2tosv6xc]

Get it? Every answer backed with 100% scripture according to KJV1611...

It's a joke.

Find the thread about what God thinks about women and their relative breast sizes.

[skunk]

I read it cog burn.

We need a sarcasm bbcode button.

[Oblivion]

if you want a laugh go to www.niggermania.com (http://www.niggermania.com) and give em some shit there.

they spout off about how blacks are dumb stupid inferior.. but in one thread some dude whos a priv. investigator (allegedly a PI) says he helped a black woman and she hacked his phone and got all of his numbers, threatening this or that yadda yadda blackmail etc.

how can you say theyre all dumb and then spout how they hacked your phone without ever using it. HAHA.

bunch of ignorant fucks over there :o

[Cogburn]

Hahah... I don't think that site is in the same vein as LBC... but for as grimy as I feel right now, it was worth it for this gem.
[attachment=0:ag8h75jc]racist google.jpg[/attachment:ag8h75jc]

[hp]

Any wonder why there is an ongoing Christian vs Islam food fight. 'my god will kick you unsaved god's butt'.'infidel, no virgins for you'.

[Alessandra]

Are you implying there's no 'true christians'?


Not now.

Maybe a long time ago. But not now. :lol:

[guinnessford]

I saved it in my favorites.

[Ducky]

WTF is this world coming to? :roll:

Christ admonished the Pharisees over this shit as well as some Jewish leaders who were more into the 'letter of the law' than anything else. This type of attitude only served to widen the already existing divide within that culture - even before - Jesus arrived on the scenes.

The LandRover Baptist church is bringing up the same drudgery ALL OVER AGAIN.

Christ said: "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" KJB

Then I guess the these Baptists don't have any friends and wouldn't die for them, as EVERYONE sucks to high heaven and is 'undeserving'...unsaved. (What a pantload!)

HE put himself amongst the downtrodden, the poor, the adulturers, the lenders/borrowers, etc. to preach the WORD. For all who would listen.

He didn't preferentiate between anyone, other than to teach those that needed it. Which in this case is EVERYONE. The invitation went out to everyone.

There was no condemntion. At one point, a poor woman was going to get stoned for her adulterous behavior, but Christ stepped in and said: "He who is without sin cast the first stone". Obviously the people left the woman alone, dropped their stones and buggered off. They knew that NONE of them were in a position to be judgemental.

Christ warned of many false teachers, messiahs, and false churches that would arise towards the end of days.

This LandRover church is elevating themselves over everyone. Becoming judge, jury, and executioner.

And I say to them...

Any child, from the age of reason and onwards, will be able to discern that this is WRONG behavior; let alone read the bible and figure out things for themselves. An adult has a hard time decifering the bible at times, why would they leave a child up to decifering it for them? That's their attitude didn't you know?

Christ also said (paraphrasing) "Suffer the children to come unto me" Because he spoke in parabables alot, there was always a double entendre.

It wasn't so much that he wanted the 'physically young' children to learn from Him, but in as much as those who wern't privy to the Good News; those who didn't know as much:

* Know-it-alls
* Pharasees
* People that had pre-conceived notions and were staunch in their ways.

He wanted people to come unto the Father with "child-like eyes" because these eyes (ways of thinking) were NEW, FRESH, UNTAINTED, and ready to be molded with His words.

When you apply my miniscule dissertation with the above, it's a whole different Christ we're talking about now. As opposed to the inane doctrines of this so-called Baptist church.

And YES...there is the distinct possibility that the bible was perverted under the hand of man somewhere along the timeline; to which is another valid reason why the LandRovers should take heed and not read too much into, by spreading their hypocracy in this fashion.

As I'm one of the few Christians on the board (probably the only one?) my main concern/focus with the bible is Christ's teachings. I try to follow His ways (Lord knows I falter miserably), but I remember the one thing my mother told me when I was young. She said, "If all else fails (if the church comes asunder) to ALWAYS remember the 10 commandments and 'The Golden Rules".


I get a kick out of George Carlin's interpretation of them. lolol I miss his humor. R.I.P. I'd love if someone could find the youtube vid of his 10 commandments brought down to one or two. Hillarious!!

In any event, I leave you with this...
"Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you"