query

[torbjon]

so, when it comes to my own stuff, I tend to be my own worst enemy, my own worst critic... part of me 'knows' that some of the shit I churn out is actually 'okay' because I've been spamming it to a large group of diverse people for over a decade now, and a lot of them have taken the time to say 'hey, that's good shit, keep it coming'...

but, at the same time, that Other part of me can't help but think 'they're just being polite and don't really mean it'... after all, if I WAS any good, somebody somewhere woulda signed me by now, right? yes? no? *sighs* I dunno...

It dawned on me just now that you guys are basically a buncha assholes without a compassionate bone in your collective bodies,,,, (chill, it's a compliment) and that Perhaps a more or less honest critique could be cobbled together from your collective responses (assuming enough folks respond, that is...)

I don't have a clue What this is.... lyrics or poetry (is there a difference?) It came from a semi - fugue state while a Captain Beefheart documentary was playing in the background on youtube... I have FULL memory of fingers typing, there was even some backspace / corrections made while typing... but where the concept / actual words came from? not a clue... they, like so many other words in my life, just came.

anyway, this is what I wrote::

I saw god pissing in an alley
He was pissing on a bum
I said 'you ain't my god'
He said 'tha's alright
you ain't my son'

I saw Mary fucking Joe.
Joe was talking.
Mary saw me, said 'No,
don't tell, I'm still a virgin.'
I kept on walking.

I saw Buddha standing
in line to see the band.
With a shit eating grin
he put his finger to his lips.
And then he ate his hand.

I saw a fish sitting on a table.
It was gasping for water drops,
drowning in air.
I didn't care.
I cut its head off.

I saw the world
whimper with a bang.
God got piss on his pants.
Joe came.
Buddha bled to death.

I saw the tunnel of light.
I went that way.
It starts where I end,
leads to my friends.
They told me to go away

====

Something? Nothing? Juvenile? Reaching? Wannabe? Seems kinda lame to me... but then again, MOST of the lyrics to songs I dig on are pretty lame when seen in print...

okay, there's heart, on sleeve... have at it

or not *shrugs*
twj

[GhostOfCaptSpaulding]

HahHa Hah! I saw these guys in Reno, man!

Wait, you wrote it?

Well that's good, 'cause it's actually better than those guys in Reno anyway...

But, shouldn't this thread be in the art section or something...?

Yeah, spoken word...

[torbjon]

There's an ART section? shows what I know...

Never saw the Captain, not very fond of his work, either, but I LOVE his voice.

[Cogburn]

"I saw god pissing in an alley
He was pissing on a bum
I said 'you ain't my god'
He said 'tha's alright
you ain't my son'"

I actually thought of Buddha when reading this part, but then I expected you to kill him.

[torbjon]

actually, according to the whatever it was I wrote, Buddha killed himself... I think that means something... although I'm not sure what...

I suppose a 'true' artist would shroud the whole thing in mystique and innuendo, claiming a deeper understanding of their creation than is humanly possible... but I honestly don't have Clue where this came from or what it "means"... I was sittin' here, drug free zoning out, mindless clap trap babbling in the background... fingers twitched a bit, I looked at the screen, there were the words *shrugs*

and NO, I'm not going on about any Edgar Cayce channeling crap... it's definitely my words, my style... I just don't have much memory of Consciously crafting this one... most things, yes, I crafted them... but this and some others? just sorta 'happen'... more like Coleridge (sans drugs) than Cayce in a trance... I say Coleridge 'cause this actually seems to happen rather frequently... but then I notice myself typing and that's that, whatever train of thought I may have been following is Gone...

anyone seeing a ditty there? I feel hard core 'something' when I see the words...

[Cogburn]

"If you meet the Buddha, kill him." - Zen Master Linji

Often mistranslated as "If you see Buddha on the road, kill him."

When reading your words my mind naturally drifted towards something like "If you see Buddha pissing on a bum, kill him." Made me giggle. :)

If you feel it, it's art. Many nights standing on stage in my coffee house making a mockery of those with actual skill with words taught me not to be judgmental. Your shit makes mine look... painful.

Best line I ever had was "No food, no jobs, no worries, we have the bomb."

Heh.

[torbjon]

Painful? nawww... I bet you're just being your own worst enemy, tha's all... what do other people say?

like, this line is Awesome::

"No food, no jobs, no worries, we have the bomb."

YA BABY! that has got to be the Best 'campaign slogan' I've Ever heard.... it's got "Tippy Canoe and Tyler too" beat by a mile... That's a million dollar bumper sticker if I ever saw one.

[Cogburn]

LOL

Out of thousands... that's the only keeper... and I can't remember if it was mine or if I saw it somewhere. EDIT: My wife says it's mine so I'll take her word for it. She was there.

What else you got stashed around that you've been afraid to post?

[WarlordZeroOne]

I smell a Rat here!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[torbjon]

I smell a Rat here!!!!!!!!!!!!!

um, care to elaborate a bit on that?

[KIWI]

the bomb quote is pure Alfred E Nuemann.....I think,

The poms were'nt keen on the US servicemen in the UK during the WW2 ....and came up with the ....."over-paid, over-sexed, and over here" quip

[torbjon]

LOL

Out of thousands... that's the only keeper... and I can't remember if it was mine or if I saw it somewhere. EDIT: My wife says it's mine so I'll take her word for it. She was there.

What else you got stashed around that you've been afraid to post?

Good enough for me, slap that puppy on some bumper stickers and buttons and stuff, and yer there dude... fame at least, if not fortune...

as far as 'afraid to post' goes... naw, t'ain't afraid in That sense... not afraid of You Guys, tha's fer sure *laughs* I guess the things that bother me the most are the narcissism of it, and the very slim chance of possible Success... although there's probably not a lotta chance of That happening during my lifetime *grins*

So, let's see... a lotta shit done in pen and paper... NOT transcribing That anytime soon... tons o' shit on the old comp... I have no monitor for that one and the monitor for this one is non-compatible... ergo get a new monitor or swap out the hard drives... ya, I think I'll transcribe pen and paper stuff before I do that... on This comp... hmm.... mostly e-mail stuff on this comp... which is 'witty', mojo is on my SPAM list, he sez the stuff is okay, but he does drugs and lives in Australia, so what does he know? ... *pokes around* most of the shit is already in my torbtown library or posted online in some other forum...

oh wow.

here's a score. What a blast from the past! Here's some shit (truly) that I wrote back on the rock... 99 and 00, pre east coast days... man... was I one pathetic fucked up puppy back then *laughs*

here ya go Cog... crap from nine and ten years ago...

Hippy

I want a hippy chick.
Not some tripped out bitch,
just a witch with hips.
Don't care about the tits...
(I do dig the lips)
No, hip curve is slick.
...just want...
Handles
to end
my sigh, ya
know?

twj
'99

=======================
Feels Good

Feels so good it's true
bein' luved by you
my head is like glue
I don' know what to do
now here comes your knee
so sharp and pointy
it's hard and boney
It's coming right at me
Lands upside my head
Ties me to my bed
She leaves me for dead
Then tickles me instead...

twj
'00

=============================
Hallmark 101

Just three words
A three second blurb
A little sound byte
That just might delight
And warm your heart
Throughout the night

For it's true
Things like "I love you"
Are groovy and cool
But "Thinking of You"
RULES!
It's the coolest of cools
The warmest of jewels

Taking the TIME
To unwind and
Share peace of mind
With someone fine
Is soooooo Divine

And it matters not
What Zone you are in
When he thinks of you
And you think of him
The TIME is the same
Tho SPACE be apart
It's Good to be friends
And share bits of your heart

twj
'00

======================================
BOZO

Ain't found a way
Ta snuff me yet
Van dock bozo,
Wet cigarette

Seems like
Every path
Leads me to hell

I throw some boxes
For a wage
The time clock bitch
Makes me a slave

Is this
ALL that there is?
Who can tell...

Pull the string
That opens the door
Electric motors
Start to roar

Metal
Scraps on metal
Rips apart

Plastic curtains
Are hanging there
Jagged edges
Snag in my hair

The icy wind
Howls
Through my heart

Bozo Boy
And frozen Goat
Risk their lives
For a fucked up tote

And,
When I go home?
The house is empty

I roll a joint
And smoke it all
Tie up the phone
So no one calls

But,
No one Really
Wants to see me

They just WANT,
The fucking bozos
Want to see
How Far they can go

But,
Ya know?
I'm not gonna cry

They ain't found the way
Ta snuff me yet
Me and my funny
Cigarettes

I'm all alone
But
At least I'm High

The Lovely Lady
Is good to me
Thickly sweet
And so sticky

So,
When I get home?
I pack a bowl

And pull her deeply
Into me
Then hold her tightly
Ecstasy

And,
When I let go?
I'm not alone

'Cause ya,
I'm a bozo
So What?
You know I ain't gonna cry


twj
'00

[Foxtrot Oscar]

Moved to member writings cos that is what it was.

What it is.

And what it shall be for ever more.

Until the next: melt down.

Fox

[torbjon]

um..... okay.... but I chose Chatter for a reason (other than I'm a dumbfuck, that is) however, PLEASE don't move it again without a heads up, 'kay? A little unnecessary freekout in a decaffeinated state may be good for the soul, but ain't so good for the ol' heart, ya know? If the link hadn't stayed the same I'm not sure I woulda found this again...

*sips*

hmmm, okay, so "what it is" is your take on this crap, yes? Anyone sense song lyrics for the first one, or is it just bad poetry? I've had some music theory back in the day, but that was mostly just the Math of sounds and didn't really deal with the lyrics side of it... and I Know that lyrics are just sounds, too, but there's a bit of difference between "do wa ditty ditty dum ditty do" and "I'm going to hurl myself against the wall"...

[mojo]

but, at the same time, that Other part of me can't help but think 'they're just being polite and don't really mean it'... after all, if I WAS any good, somebody somewhere woulda signed me by now, right? yes? no? *sighs* I dunno...



lol, i've always thought that, i hardly ever shared anything i wrote up until a couple of years ago. and then everyone that read it would say "hey thats good mark, you should take it more seriously".
all the while i'm thinking "sure, your just pissin' in my pocket".


anyways, that is pretty good.

ive read some of your other stuff too torbs and i like it, you have a unique style....it makes me giggle...and thats a good thing....not enough things make me giggle anymore.

keep it comin'.

[torbjon]

*laughs* thanks comrade...

"unique style"... I get that particular critique a lot... not entirely sure what that means though... "unique" doesn't necessarily translate into 'good', or, more importantly, (to me) 'marketable'.

I'm getting old. My days of physical labor for a living are pretty much over. My primary skill set revolves around physical labor... which I can't really do anymore.... sooooo...

I'm trying to drum something up *shrugs* I think what I'm trying to drum is the courage to get back into the game of once again submitting shit to publishers and accepting the mountains of reject slips that will invariably come back at me... I spent a lot of the 80's doing that, but perhaps I've... grown... a bit since then...

so, here's a question for you, do you feel that my "unique style" is "unique enough"? (ie, something you'd shell out 20 bucks for)

[GhostOfCaptSpaulding]

Put it to music and play it again... http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee162/21b45o13x25c54o34d45e/icons%20pngs/laught.png

[torbjon]

ya, well, that's the rub. I got NO musical talent whatsoever. I'm not tone deaf, but I got Zip for rhythm, and seriously, I've tried... took piano lessons as a kid, had some theory classes in school, and it just ain't happenin' on my end... I couldn't string two notes together to save my life *sighs*

TheIndee has mentioned being in possession of some musical talent... anyone else here know how to actually Create a melody?

I have to be in a very 'special' mood to get off on series hard core / metal / whatever the term for 'noise' is these days, and for some reason I keep feeling that 'noise' is appropriate for the first one (although I can just as easily envision a country western ballad, too)

At the time of writing the first one, a Captain Beefheart interview was going on in the background... but just this second, Zevon came to mind... the melody is wrong, but the style seems... right.

f]gefduc05QTwf]

[mojo]

so, here's a question for you, do you feel that my "unique style" is "unique enough"? (ie, something you'd shell out 20 bucks for)

sure.
by unique i mean, sometimes ascerbic, often funny and usually insightful. hows that for a critique. :)

anything that can make you grin, consistently, is worth money in my mind.

[torbjon]

so, here's a question for you, do you feel that my "unique style" is "unique enough"? (ie, something you'd shell out 20 bucks for)

sure.
by unique i mean, sometimes ascerbic, often funny and usually insightful. hows that for a critique. :)

anything that can make you grin, consistently, is worth money in my mind.

*laughs* well, thank you muchly, and better criticism than most... I get a lot of the "S'alright, now shuddup and lemme alone" which is nice, but, really, not very constructive now, is it? Critiquing is harder than most folks like to believe... everybody is a critic, but few are very good at it... food seems to be the exception... people can spend Hours analyzing a meal... the tang of this, the zest of that, the way the burgundy rolls around in the glass, the crispness of flavor as opposed to the crispness of crunch, and so on... but then ask them about the movie, play, or book they just read *rolls eyes*

"S'alright, now shuddup and lemme alone."

the freeks.