Martian Exile
06-15-2008, 07:50 PM
A new device has been developed that will cure all serious diseases including cancer, HIV, Hep C, ebolie, bird flue, diabetes, bubonic plague, haunta virus, leprosy, schizophrenia, dysthimia and manic psychosis. It incorporates a newly recovered device called the seance capacitor.
This device completes the long sought after "electro-elixir vitea infuser" envisioned by Tesla who died before it’s completion. All notes and models of the device were destroyed by the federal government immediately after his death. Unbeknownst to the federal authorities however, Tesla smelled a rat and gave a copy of his diary to his secret mistress, Betty Davis, bastard daughter of Confederate president Jefferson Davis. Betty was secretly assassinated by the federal government soon after Telsa died, but not before she hid the diary in the barn of her old plantation, the Season Hill Farm.
We, the Daughters of the Confederacy, herby donate the electro-elixir vitea infuser to the world, with the hope that the industrial corporate health care system will collapse upon itself to free a massive portion of our economy.
Building the device.
First build an Alessandro’s Pile, using zinc and silver plates sandwiched with salted linen. Connect the wires to the input side of a Tesla frappe fusion amplifier. Wrap a palladium rod with platinum wire. This is the input side. Immerse the input coil in a vat of deuterium oxide. Around the coil, and in the vat, place thermo couples made by rebel Amish farmers in Canada. These can be purchased from Lehman’s non-electric. Connect the Amish thermo couplers to the seance capacitor.
The capacitor consists of a large round table under a chandelier in a house that has at least one ghostie. Connected to the chandelier by silver wires are seven tin foil hats. Tin, not aluminum. The tin must be mined by Cornish tommy knockers. Place the Tesla amplifier under the table and run a wire through a hole in the center of the table up to the ceiling to the capacitor. Hanging from the chandelier are two mirrors sandwiched with a coiled dipole tuned to 112.4 micro-henries. The Tesla amplifier is connected to a coil wrapping the mirrors, and the dipole to the tin hats. The return wire from the hats are connected to seven magnetic flux hula hoops. The patient sits inside the hoops.
The seven people who wear the hats must be medicated with Manna of Tesla.
Get seven sweaty naked green eyed freckle faced red headed hippie chicks from Wavy Gravy’s Pig Farm Ashram and have them run through a field of flowering Cannabis sativa. Employ the Martian Exile to scrape the pollen off the girls. Sauté the paste in yack butter.
Combine three cups ground seeds from Triticum hybernum with one cup of crystal of Malabar from the Saccharum offcinarum plant, two aborted fetus’s from Gallus domesticus, one half a cup of oil of Helianthus annus, one half cup of the coagulated fat of Theobromo cacao, two drams of calcium dihydrongen phosphate. Add the sautéed pollen and bake at 375 for forty five minutes.
Feed the Manna to the seven healers, and administer 8 drams of moldy Haitian zombie cucumber to the patient.
After the healers have come under the influence of the Manna, have them don the tin hats and chant “notlrohc si a krej” over and over. This is absolutely guaranteed to cure the patient.
This device completes the long sought after "electro-elixir vitea infuser" envisioned by Tesla who died before it’s completion. All notes and models of the device were destroyed by the federal government immediately after his death. Unbeknownst to the federal authorities however, Tesla smelled a rat and gave a copy of his diary to his secret mistress, Betty Davis, bastard daughter of Confederate president Jefferson Davis. Betty was secretly assassinated by the federal government soon after Telsa died, but not before she hid the diary in the barn of her old plantation, the Season Hill Farm.
We, the Daughters of the Confederacy, herby donate the electro-elixir vitea infuser to the world, with the hope that the industrial corporate health care system will collapse upon itself to free a massive portion of our economy.
Building the device.
First build an Alessandro’s Pile, using zinc and silver plates sandwiched with salted linen. Connect the wires to the input side of a Tesla frappe fusion amplifier. Wrap a palladium rod with platinum wire. This is the input side. Immerse the input coil in a vat of deuterium oxide. Around the coil, and in the vat, place thermo couples made by rebel Amish farmers in Canada. These can be purchased from Lehman’s non-electric. Connect the Amish thermo couplers to the seance capacitor.
The capacitor consists of a large round table under a chandelier in a house that has at least one ghostie. Connected to the chandelier by silver wires are seven tin foil hats. Tin, not aluminum. The tin must be mined by Cornish tommy knockers. Place the Tesla amplifier under the table and run a wire through a hole in the center of the table up to the ceiling to the capacitor. Hanging from the chandelier are two mirrors sandwiched with a coiled dipole tuned to 112.4 micro-henries. The Tesla amplifier is connected to a coil wrapping the mirrors, and the dipole to the tin hats. The return wire from the hats are connected to seven magnetic flux hula hoops. The patient sits inside the hoops.
The seven people who wear the hats must be medicated with Manna of Tesla.
Get seven sweaty naked green eyed freckle faced red headed hippie chicks from Wavy Gravy’s Pig Farm Ashram and have them run through a field of flowering Cannabis sativa. Employ the Martian Exile to scrape the pollen off the girls. Sauté the paste in yack butter.
Combine three cups ground seeds from Triticum hybernum with one cup of crystal of Malabar from the Saccharum offcinarum plant, two aborted fetus’s from Gallus domesticus, one half a cup of oil of Helianthus annus, one half cup of the coagulated fat of Theobromo cacao, two drams of calcium dihydrongen phosphate. Add the sautéed pollen and bake at 375 for forty five minutes.
Feed the Manna to the seven healers, and administer 8 drams of moldy Haitian zombie cucumber to the patient.
After the healers have come under the influence of the Manna, have them don the tin hats and chant “notlrohc si a krej” over and over. This is absolutely guaranteed to cure the patient.