My Story and "What the Fuck Has Happened??"

[JiveTurkey]

This is going to be sort of a 2 part post.


First, I promised I would share my story (SoT has already heard it) and I figure now is as good a time as any.


As some of you know, I am married and I have 1 child of my own and 3 step-children.

Around 6 months ago, my wife left and I still am not entirely sure why. I know she did not want to (we had an AMAZING relationship), but I honestly feel that some things involving her parents were going on behind the scenes that I was not aware of.

When that happened, I basically fell apart and turned into a borderline social phobic.

I'm not really certain WHY I fell apart. Though, I have a feeling that a large part of it (aside from losing my wife, naturally) was that I was at 6 months sober after a half decade SEVERE drinking habit (1 litre+ of 100 proof vodka or bacardi 151 a day)

Anyhow, I was having serious alcohol cravings and had lost my wife and 3 of my children. So, yea, I pretty much fell apart.


As a result of my falling apart, I sold everything I owned (aside from necessary clothing and a vehicle) and slid into the life of a wanderer.

Since then, I have basically traveled around the South Georgia area and lived in whatever hotel/motel suited my needs at the time.

While I do have a steady form of income (whenever I choose to actually work haha), I life a VERY meager life and only spend enough money to keep me alive. I have also managed to work out deals with just about every Indian owned hotel in the area so I can stay free as long as I work for them in place of payment. That's why I have been having to paint so much lately haha.


Anyhow, this little bit of info (I left out tons because I still can't really deal well with a lot of it) leads into my next "part".



WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD?



During my stays at these hotels, I have met some AMAZING people and also some of the biggest pieces of shit ever dumped upon the Earth.

As I type this, there is a mother (aged 63) and daughter (aged 41) living in the building across from me. The daughter has a slight mental handicap and, as a result, can not really take care of herself without supervision.

The daughter works at Publix around 30 hrs per week and the mother does odd jobs and receives a pittance from social security.

The only "unecessary" expense they have is cigarettes. They do not drink or do drugs and they do not own a vehicle.

They are barely able to exist and ,yet, they NEVER complain.


Then, we go to the man and woman in the room above me.

He is 36 and in the best health he could hope for given his severe alcohol addiction and the drugs he is able to sneak when his "girlfriend" is out.

He is TREMENDOUSLY skilled when it comes to general "handyman" jobs. He can hang sheetrock, paint, he is a plumber, electrician and mechanic. Yet, he does not have a job. Why? Because he only cares to make enough money to get his fifth of Lord Calvert per night.

Then, we have his girlfriend. I have actually known her for several years and it was total chance that she happened to be living here.

She use to be a VERY defiant and independent woman. Now, she mopes around like a whipped dog.

Why? Because he beats the shit out of her everytime he gets liquor or drugs in him.

Instead of putting him in the wind and moving on with her life, she freaks out everytime he leaves and has taken up drinking to have something to do "with him".

They both BITCH ALL OF THE TIME about how bad their life is and how they can never "catch a break"

WHAT WHAT WHAT????????????

---


Every Friday and Saturday night, the hotel is PACKED with out of towners and it never ceases to amaze me to sit back and watch them.

Almost without fail, they flock to the drunk and tend to stay up his ass the whole weekend.

Then, when they see the mother and daughter, they tend to sneer and poke fun every chance they get.



What the hell??


What has happened to the world that a MAJORITY looks at the drunk asshole abuser as the "fun and normal" one while calling a mother who takes care of her handicapped daughter the "freaks"?


Am I losing my fucking mind???


What could POSSIBLY be more commendable than sacrificing to ensure that you are able to be with your child in order to ensure her safety and happiness?


The world is turning upside down. Is everyone insane or is it just me?



Hopefully this little post is making some sort of sense. I tend to ramble when it comes to things that actually "hit home" for me.



To end this:


Christmas eve, I got a knock on the door. It was the daughter bringing me a christmas tree cake. (she works in the deli)


"I made it myself"



My heroes.




Jasn



**In the off chance someone wonders why they buy cigarettes when they barely have enough food to eat. I usually buy them.

They have both earned a vice.

[Yo Mama]

My ex is a classic narcissistic abuser. Guys that tend to use their hands or emotional attacks to keep their women in line are often very charming to everyone but her and nobody sees the "real" him. Except her. It really sucks, especially when (like me) you get involved in a huge custody battle, because even the court won't look at what he's like. They ignore evidence and say that I'm making up shit just to get custody of my kids.

If I was going to lie, I would have come up with something better than I've been trying to get across to them all this time. But hey, emotional torture, sexual, financial and verbal abuse and stalking, not to mention using the kids against me (by telling my daughter shit such as, I'm dying, or god loves her, her brother and her dad but hates me and I'm going to hell) just isn't good enough as far as the court or court officers are concerned.

When a woman is in a situation like that, they suffer from traumatic bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome. They get intermittent "good" times and then an insidious and nearly constant erosion of their self-esteem. Intermittent reward is the best way to train people. So he'll no doubt treat her good every once in a while, so she keeps stuck on the hook of hope that he'll become the guy she fell in love with once.

But it never happens. The abuse gets worse and worse, and a lot of the time these women end up dead.

I've been in a DV support group for two years, but I'm going to be going for quite some time to come, as my ex is still trying to control my life through the kids.

Sounds like that neighbor of yours needs to know there's someone around who will listen without judging. She has to work it all out for herself, if she wants to leave or not. But having a supportive non-judgmental person around that can give her resources to go to for help, can go a long way.

Here's some links about traumatic bonding and abusive relationships:

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/htm ... e_rev.html (http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse_literature_rev.html)

http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/ncdocs/ ... lence.html (http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/ncdocs/fact_shts/fs_domestic_violence.html)

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/ ... index.html (http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html)

Best thing you can do is offer her a hotline number and let her know you're there to support her if she needs it -- but he might not take kindly to that, so it's up to you how involved you want to get. But pushing help on someone will only backfire. It's a fucked up situation, and there's no easy answer or cure, except for her to get her self-esteem and her courage built up enough to want to leave.

That doesn't happen very often.

DV resources in Georgia:

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/gadv.shtml

http://www.gcadv.org/index.html

Good list of shelters:

http://www.divorcesource.com/shelters/georgia.shtml


As for you, that sucks, man. Breakups are always hard, but when kids are involved, it can tear your heart out.

Vent if you need to, that's what we're here for. Mutual friendship and support, right?

[JiveTurkey]

I'm not worried about him. I already told him that if I ever actually have to WITNESS him hitting her that I'm going to kill him outright.

He constantly tries to "buddy" me up. It's not gonna work.


I have no compassion or use for anyone like him.

I have told her that if she doesn't leave he will eventually kill her. She knows it.

The problem is, she is playing the "game" you spoke of. Defending him and talking about how good he ONCE WAS.

What pisses me off the most is, she has an 18 year old daughter who worships her and her daughter has to live scared that her mom won't be there the next day.

I told her I would get her a place and pay the first and last months rent under the stipulation that he was NOT to know where it was.

She was all for it until i added the condition.



This guy is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO close to the edge with all of the "regulars" here. Us guys have contemplated many different ways to rid the hotel and area of him. Jail wouldn't be an issue.

But, we don't want to have to resort to that.


If he ever does take the abuse in public here, however, there won't be any stopping it.


*sigh*

[Firestar]

J, just to let you know that despite all it appears you still have your morals and values intact and I applaud you for that.
I was once just like the woman you speak of too.
My ex would love to take his paycheck to the bar and come home with only half of it.The worst thing I could do would be to confront him about it.
I was knocked unconcious, had knives put against me, raped, held against a wall by my throat with my feet off the floor...and that is just the physical.Too many instances of emotional abuse to mention here.He was classic textbook as well.No one outside of our home knew.To all his buddies he was a great guy.He saved all the bad stuff for me.I put up with it for years.He kept me isolated.
We lived miles away from anywhere.No phone, and I did not drive.
He kept me pregnant or nursing a baby always.That was his way of keeping me dependant on him.
When I found ATS it was a godsend.I got the support network I so badly needed.Made great friends.Especially one in particular, whom without him, I might still be controlled by a man I cannot stand.
He gave me courage and strength every single day, and I owe him immensely for that.Fear is a terrible thing.It kept me the way I was for years.He tought me to act in spite of it.
Some women make it out J, and some have been so beaten down they think they deserve the life they have.I did feel that way.Felt like I deserved him somehow.She may need a constant source of support for awhile.She needs to believe that she deserves better.
I mean that.She really needs to BELIEVE it.Or else she will do nothing to change it.

[vckums]

Sorry you had to go through all that. From the posts I've read on here and somewhere else, you seem like a very kewl person with his head on straight. Chin up. I got a set of ear and can listen to venting if ya feel like it.

As for your friend, liek the others said, she won't change until she wants to. Just tell her you're there for her.

[WhispersInTheDark]

The ghost of Christmases past...

Happy Christmas all disaparados!

[pigswillfly]

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all the disaparados from me too. But for grace, there goes I.

where is j hanging out?